Feel The Sadness

I had a best friend, years and years ago.....my best friend in the whole wide world.....she died of cancer.....I was there through it all.  That was sad.  Really sad. Really, really sad....but I didn't cry. I was numb.  Wouldn't let myself feel the pain. My mantra was  I'm fine, I'm fine .  I wasn't fine, but I didn't know it.

 I had another friend, a dear, dear friend.....she died of Lupus.  I was with her when she died. I let myself feel the pain when she died, and to this very day I still think of her and miss her terribly.

  My grandmother has cancer. There is no treatment. But nobody will say how long she has to live or how quickly it will spread.  My husband says nobody knows for sure and I say....... but isn't that the question everybody asks?  Aren't we suppose to ask "What's the prognosis?" And he tells me "Only God knows for sure."  and I think to myself  "yep that's right....only God knows for sure."  Is it really important to know "how long"?   Maybe a person has to get their life in order......  Or maybe get their business settled.  I'm sure there are things........an urgency one feels when they know the time is near.  Do I know that for sure?  I've only heard it told in books and movies.  I don't know for sure.

I don't want to hide my feelings I don't want to ever deal with death the way I did years and years ago.  It was cold and scary. I divorced myself from ever feeling the sting of  her death.  I divorced myself from her family and anything associated with her life. When she died, she became a memory and ceased being an important part of my life.

Loved ones can still be important parts of a persons life even when they're gone.  I caught a glimpse of that when my other friend died of Lupus.  There were things I couldn't do.....but.....I allowed myself to feel the sting of her death, heal from that, and hold on to the precious memories which were and still are, important parts of my life today.

My grandmother has cancer. She is going to die.....probably soon.  How do we prepare for that?  Let's feel the sadness, and talk about the things that are scary.  Then with  God's mercy and grace pray for the strength to love each other through this difficult time.

 This time I'm going to cry.  I'm going to feel the sadness.  

There is a good thing......  A great thing that can happen through all of this.......I'm going to love with a happy heart. Love her with a happy heart all the way to heaven. There is comfort in knowing that! 

Thanking God for His Great Plan of Salvation!
See ya in Heaven Granma!